No More Fear

No matter how much we deny the fear of death we cannot deny the fact that we do not want to die yet. Just now, I realized I'm no longer afraid. Well, yesterday I was afraid or maybe an hour before I wrote this blog... But now, I feel that the fear was just suddenly blown away.

My grandfather died this year. But last December 2007 he was already suffering. That was the very first time I felt raw pain deed inside my heart. I didn't know that losing someone you really love, someone who loves you back, the only man in your life that was sincere and pure will be this painful. I've cried and felt pain before... And I recovered. But now, I'm crying and feeling pain and I don't want to recover. I don't want to forget.

The only thing that somehow eases this hurt was the memory of taking care of my grandfather last December. I bet it was one of the happiest experience in his life... and mine too. I'm sorry I can't type what happened because I can't stop crying right now... But we shared good times. And I showered him all my love as a granddaughter and daughter could ever show.

I really thought he was getting well. But unfortunately God took him from me. No, God didn't took him... My grandfather was His in the first place. I'm just really selfish. I just really thought I would graduate, be very rich and give my grandfather his own luxurious kitchen and lots of great grand children to take care of and tour him to different countries where he can sample all the great food some chef will make. He's a chef too you know. And ever since I was a child he already cooks for us. It was always perfect, delicious and presentable.

My grandfather is very happy in Heaven now. There is no more pain, no more sadness and no more hurt. He's with his mother and father and I know... I pray... He's having the most wonderful and memorable time of his life... And he's not regretting anything at all. I've had my shortcoming and maybe I'll keep regretting all my life. But it doesn't matter, I deserve it.

Right now I no longer fear death. Because I know that when I die and leave all my mortal senses here on earth, I'll be with my grandfather. We will talk and be together again and maybe he'll teach me now to cook... Because unfortunately I didn't got his talent nor his beautiful prominent nose... and I love him dearly.

My grandfather is more than just a figure here in my blog. He's alive and a vital part of me. And when I grow old and become a mother, I'll name my first born son after him. Hopefully my future husband won't mind. I know it will make my grandfather really really happy. And so, before I end this blog may I leave a message to my grandfather...

To my dearest grandfather Roberto C. Perez, I love you very very much. Someday we'll be together and be one big family again. I miss you so much. I bet God's very happy because you're cooking really delicious food up there in Heaven. Imma as usual is the same but I know she miss you so much. Mommy's cooking for us and I hope you heard what she whispered to you before. I bet that made you shed tears. My brothers and Noah are getting matured now. Cha Cha is in Guam with Tita Ruby. I guess our family's falling apart now... It makes me really sad. Tita Olen and Tita Sed misses you so much. Thank you for finally visiting Tita Olen in her dreams. That made her really happy. I guess I'll be seeing you soon Tatay. Don't forget to visit me in my dreams. Your grand daughter who loves you truly, Rachel

BEYOND MY FACE

I am more than my face and my name. I am not here to defend myself from criticisms nor paint my self a saint because I certainly am not. I am Rachel and no less than that. You may describe me as average or otherwise. It really depends on who describes who. So I guess the only way I can introduce myself is by telling you who I think or feel or dream I am.

I am Rachel Perez Kabigting. I got a very plain name that originated from the bible and yet my father seems to say I was named after a singer. My name means "ewe" or a female sheep that symbolizes purity. Do I live up by my name? Oh boy, I am cunning, mischievous, a trouble maker but sometimes I do play a part of an ewe. Like I say, sometimes.

My middle name is Perez. If I were to choose, I wish I could adopt my middle name. I have a father but my grandfather has played his part for his as far as I could remember. Unfortunately, or should I say, fortunately? He's with God now. But I never lose hope that one day I'll see him again. I miss him so badly.

I've had my share of both beautiful and dreadful experiences. I've seen some of my dreams come to life and to some of it I bid goodbye. I seem to mostly have the answers to problems and solutions to dilemmas but thats for other people. I just can't seem to do what I preach. Oh come, it happens to the best of us.


I love to dream and most of it consists of the usual like traveling the whole world, spending a year in a Paris, owning Oprah's diamonds and exchange my simple life to Paris Hilton. I'm a material girl. Hahaha... Just kidding. But I won't deny that it did cross my mind.

My dreams evolved as I gain age. Right now it involves finishing college as soon as possible and starting my own line of beauty products. Who knows, when it does happen I might recall this first blog entry of mine and say "Before it was just a dream written in my blog... But now it has come to life!"

I've made many mistakes in my life but before they become mistakes I just felt that I was the right thing to do. Nobody can blame me for not knowing what the future holds. I guess I didn't say the usual, "My favorite color is pink and purple. I used to have a pet goldfish and I only drink cold caramel macchiato..." those kind of stuff because like what my blog says: beyond my face. It also means beyond the usual things I do. So this is intimate stuff!

Oh well, its still fun to talk about it! I can't help it, I'm a girl! I'm definitely a 100% certified beauty junkie. I love to read about skin care, I love to buy make-ups, body butter, shimmer... you name it! I'm also a SPA lover and a worshiper of sauna, steam bath and some good old Swedish massage. And yes I love Caramel Macchiato and currently craving for Breadtalk's Cheese Floss. Chocolates? Need not ask. Personally, Godiva's my favorite. No bias at all.

I guess a single blog entry can't really define who I really am beyond this face. But I assure you that as time goes by, with every entry I make, it is a sincere and truthful Rachel. Never wishing nor pretending to be somebody I am not. So this is it for now. Hopefully I get to finish the layout of my website http://godivarachel.webs.com before school starts. Ciao!