No More Fear

No matter how much we deny the fear of death we cannot deny the fact that we do not want to die yet. Just now, I realized I'm no longer afraid. Well, yesterday I was afraid or maybe an hour before I wrote this blog... But now, I feel that the fear was just suddenly blown away.

My grandfather died this year. But last December 2007 he was already suffering. That was the very first time I felt raw pain deed inside my heart. I didn't know that losing someone you really love, someone who loves you back, the only man in your life that was sincere and pure will be this painful. I've cried and felt pain before... And I recovered. But now, I'm crying and feeling pain and I don't want to recover. I don't want to forget.

The only thing that somehow eases this hurt was the memory of taking care of my grandfather last December. I bet it was one of the happiest experience in his life... and mine too. I'm sorry I can't type what happened because I can't stop crying right now... But we shared good times. And I showered him all my love as a granddaughter and daughter could ever show.

I really thought he was getting well. But unfortunately God took him from me. No, God didn't took him... My grandfather was His in the first place. I'm just really selfish. I just really thought I would graduate, be very rich and give my grandfather his own luxurious kitchen and lots of great grand children to take care of and tour him to different countries where he can sample all the great food some chef will make. He's a chef too you know. And ever since I was a child he already cooks for us. It was always perfect, delicious and presentable.

My grandfather is very happy in Heaven now. There is no more pain, no more sadness and no more hurt. He's with his mother and father and I know... I pray... He's having the most wonderful and memorable time of his life... And he's not regretting anything at all. I've had my shortcoming and maybe I'll keep regretting all my life. But it doesn't matter, I deserve it.

Right now I no longer fear death. Because I know that when I die and leave all my mortal senses here on earth, I'll be with my grandfather. We will talk and be together again and maybe he'll teach me now to cook... Because unfortunately I didn't got his talent nor his beautiful prominent nose... and I love him dearly.

My grandfather is more than just a figure here in my blog. He's alive and a vital part of me. And when I grow old and become a mother, I'll name my first born son after him. Hopefully my future husband won't mind. I know it will make my grandfather really really happy. And so, before I end this blog may I leave a message to my grandfather...

To my dearest grandfather Roberto C. Perez, I love you very very much. Someday we'll be together and be one big family again. I miss you so much. I bet God's very happy because you're cooking really delicious food up there in Heaven. Imma as usual is the same but I know she miss you so much. Mommy's cooking for us and I hope you heard what she whispered to you before. I bet that made you shed tears. My brothers and Noah are getting matured now. Cha Cha is in Guam with Tita Ruby. I guess our family's falling apart now... It makes me really sad. Tita Olen and Tita Sed misses you so much. Thank you for finally visiting Tita Olen in her dreams. That made her really happy. I guess I'll be seeing you soon Tatay. Don't forget to visit me in my dreams. Your grand daughter who loves you truly, Rachel